jueves, 11 de octubre de 2012

Day # 62 -- Not liking to receive, not liking to Give...

Not liking to receive, not liking to Give...and...not liking to Give and so not Receiving.

This words came up within and as myself investigating more about this physical consequence of the bronchial asthma I have.

I see myself receiving things without resistance and when is my turn to give I breath deep and I like of shorten my breath - I still see here a lot of self-interest within myself and resistances to forgive and forget past events in my life.

I am walking my relationship with my mom in my Spanish blog and today I came here to do it in English. I have realised the way I define the relationship I have with my mom and the way I define me within this relation. Is all about my perceptions and ideas and past events that I haven´t released within myself - with her and others.

Today I was very uncomfortable with this illness that I caused within myself - fear of dying and also the other polarity of wanting/desiring to having a break and giving a final blow of breath in all of these and so giving up again. Seeing me in that path of going/hiding or continuing here to support myself like I have decided to do. But, I see that I always take the easy way-out of things and so I am here and well, I am standing and not hearing my mind this time and although it seems like everything is collapsing and I am facing me for the very first time - and is not a 'good...or 'bad' face...but is a face I haven´t seen in my whole life. LOl - is always about fear in my life -- specially in compromising myself with me and with others...within this then I feel guilt and I feel sad and those are the feelings I don´t want to feel and due to knowing myself - as the mind - I prefer also isolating ...

Ok, so I am here again - cleaning me as a house - making a deep clean within and as myself and stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance within and as changing myself due to holding in this back-chat that "is more easy to continue as I am than moving things that I have under the carpet - saying "those things as secrets are there for something, who I am to move that?" - "this is not going to help me" - " I am not changing" - "I fall and I don´t correct myself even if I write a bible of Self-Forgiveness" - "I am like this and I am not going to change so easy".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional energetic movements so I can fuel this victim character I have created - Instead of moving myself to do it, instead of whining and making a fuss out of everything - standing as the Presence of Myself in Every breath and so stopping me from over-analizing everything as the mind without considering the physical reality as myself here.

I realise this is a Pre-programmed system infused within myself from one of my parents - which I know is my father! and So, So, is not who I am. Is a pre-programmed system inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the mind C, systems, to give it attention and value and to think and feel I am this mind and I can control it - I realise that I want to control it in separation of myself and not taming me and directing myself in the simplicity in every breath.
So, I realise that I am being again hard towards myself wanting/desiring to see a 'great' change to believe in me and so giving value to all, limiting myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as the ego of the mind and participate in spitefulness within and as myself and so with all and everyone within my environment.


A back-chat:
"Why is everything in this world so difficult"/"Why this world was created"/"those that created this 'life' didn´t have anything else to do than fucking people" and now ME has to solve everything...¬¬°

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my back-chats so I can deliberately 'wash my hands' out of my responsibilities and compromises I have with myself and with others and using this words as excuses and as a way to hide and whining instead of standing and walking through this mind-demons pre-programmed inside myself and fuelled by me within and as this participation/attention I give to them.

I have a Choice in every moment of my breath - being here as myself to walk what´s Best for All in Every Action, word and deed.

So, who is going to decide me or my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a resistance/movement inside myself when I read this words in relation to choices and being responsable and all - due to not having self-trust and really being here in oneness and equality within and as myself. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this nastiness with all related to correcting and changing one self.
I stop me as this emotions and feelings - I realise and see this is not me - is my mind resisting/making me resist - so distracting myself from what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in whining and in exaggerations Instead of closing my mouth and moving me as and in the physical to do and make the things I have to do to built my life within and as the foundations of what is Best for All.

I commit myself to unvoice me as my Mind - So the one that talks and expresses a word can be Me as who I am in Every Moment of Every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy path within and as myself that is the mind - loosing me and separating me as the mind - Instead of being Here. Standing with Everything and All that is me Here in every moment of each breath.

I commit myself to Stop being childish as desires/wants of the mind to hide and play around - Instead of compromising with and as me as Life.

I commit myself to Be responsible - to stop me as illusions in my mind.

I commit myself to establish myself efficiently in this world-system to continue supporting myself in the physical reality.

When and as I see myself participating in resistance, in mind chatting and in nastiness - I stop, I direct myself - I breath and I take me back here as me within and as my physicality. This is what I am - the physical, my breath, my body. I am here.
My mind is not me. I stop the relation with my mind. I embrace it and I transcend it


ok, I´ll be continuing with the first point of wanting everything for me and so, not Giving what I Receive - cause I see that point of wanting others to Give me - I was a princess in my other life or what? Well, a Rotten Child I was...LOL

ok, I´ll be walking more and more











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domingo, 7 de octubre de 2012

Day # 61 -- I want to Craft Character - part 2

Ok, here I continue with the past blog that was:

" I want to Craft Character"

Yesterday I had time to made some crafts - and well, I observe more dimensions here - as for example the positive energetic reactions I have when I am doing them - I realise in having this reactions as Positive energetic sensations as polarities I am not here in the moment of my physical movements and I am not here present in every moment as the process I am walking to get the craft done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good/ to feel I am 'doing something important within my life/with my day/ with the moments I am doing the crafts and I participate in the back-chat of " I want to do this all my life" within this not giving importance to the reality that is here as me, to the other responsibilities I have to complete within and as me, only by being there as an energetic possessed character that only sees what I doing here as self-interest participating in desires/wants to not being bothered with other mundane points as when my mom says to me "Search for a job in the web instead of being there just wasting my time' or 'those things don´t generate money do something that generates money'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within a point that is feeding my self-interest and using an activity to distract myself and to feed my mind - Instead of doing it without energetic dependencies - Just Me here in Every breath.

Let´s say "Free" to Enjoy Myself in every breath with no other suppressions and points of postponement. I mean - when I have all the things done - the priority ones completed I can do the things I have as extracurricular points....

Here I am not saying that I rush in the other things to have time for me to feel free and do what I want - no - and also I am not defining my tasks within a polarity of fun and not fun, or the things I like and the ones I don´t.

So; I commit myself to walk all the things I have here in my reality within and as Self-Responsability and Self-attention and also stop Moving myself in a rush so I can 'clean my hands' of the ones I have to do first so I can be 'free' to do the others I like more...

So Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define things/activities/tasks/things that I do for others as less important and within and as the things I do for me I feel and experience myself as free, as like If I am doing something for me .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the activities I do for others as something I am not doing it for me - Instead if Being here as me in every activity and realising that everything Here is ME! and I am all that is here - One and equal to myself.

When and as I see myself separating me from the activities I do - I stop, I breathe and I Embrace everything I do as myself and I do them with that Consideration, Self-responsability.


So Here I Realise, see and Accept that Everything is here - I stop Separating me as Individual from all the things I do, from all the things I walk as the physical - Nothing is a separated point. Everything is here and so, I realise, see and understand that every thing I do is a part of me and so, my mind is the one that is making a difference and a separation making me believe that I am a separate individual that is alien to this world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a separated matter from all the things/persons/activities/tasks I do here in my reality and in world and so accepting and allowing that my mind constantly and continuously tells me that I am special, or that I am giving my job as a gift and so thinking that anyone is going to appreciate it..

The other Point I see here is that I place in me a Defence Mechanism and that I am 'Alert' as the mind - participating in that character that is "If this and then this".
Instead of moving myself unconditionally and genuine in every moment.


Ok, the next point I´ll be walking this - the point that unfolds from all this - the point of thinking and feeling that I am Giving my work - as free - making my job for free expecting an award if is not of people - of Life. An Award from Life - ' a good person character' --wow! a lot of dimensions here LOL!

ok, I´ll continue.!!

miércoles, 3 de octubre de 2012

Day # 60 -- I want to Craft Character

Within these days I have been feeling this energetic movement inside me of doing crafts.
In these moments I want to make something to decorate my house.
I enjoy doing crafts with my hands but the moving force is Energy - I get excited, I rush and I tend to not enjoy me in the moment here, and while I am doing them I am in other place in my mind....

So, here I´ll walk this Character.


FEAR DIMENSION

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears in relation of not having time to do the craft I wish to do - Instead of being here stopping energetic reactions and emotions/feelings in relation to time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that something - as another situation/task/compromise gets in the way so that I cannot do the craft I wish to do in the moment - Instead of stopping me as the fear dimension so I can eliminate more character creations in the moment. I Stop, I breathe and I continue doing my physical activity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the moment that I can do the craft is already late. - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others as my mom/grandmother to bother me and ask me 'What I am doing?' while I am doing the craft/activity - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scolded by my mother/grandmother due to me moving things in the house/decorating a place in the way they don´t like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of something getting in my way to criticize me or to make me feel weird/so grown-up to do the craft/activity and also fears of others telling me that I better do something else that requires more importance - I realise, see and understand that this is not real - is the mind creating energetic reactions as fears to so feed itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fears and to participate in emotions and feelings of not having time to do it and also fearing that in the mean time that I am doing a craft something else important may need attention from me - In this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect doing crafts with fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect doing crafts with the fear of being out of time.

When and as I see myself participating in fears due to not having time ( time is my trigger point ) in every situation that I am in - I breathe, I place myself here in the Presence of myself and I see, realise and understand that time as the mind does not exists - is only a conglomeration of moments here as breath.

I am here as breath within and as myself - Breathing in and out - there are moments. a lot moments as breaths.
I see, realise and understand that as breaths I am Constant - there are many breaths in Life - no beginning - no end - Breath is here as me.
So, When and as I see myself fearing time within and as my day - I stop, I Breathe.

When and as I see myself while doing crafts fearing that my mom will come to say me that why I am doing that/criticizing and reacting to my decorations and crafts I want to place in my house - Instead of reacting also, I stop me from going into a reaction towards here: like taking it personal or feeling sad and angry - I breathe and I stop me as Energy. I continue placed in the physical as Me - Stopping energetic movements inside me and I continue expressing myself and enjoying me in the moment

So, I commit myself to stop the Fear dimension within and as myself in the moment I see me going to that realms and scenarios in my mind - So I can stop me here from Giving Life and attention to the attempt of the mind to take me to create more dimensions and so separating myself more of here as the Presence of Myself.

I don´t longer accept to be a Servant for the mind - I commit myself to Stand as the Directive Principle here in each moment of breath.

I commit myself to manage my time and as a Practical and Workable Solution to myself so I can stop mind perceptions of not having time to Live in my life.

THOUGHT DIMENSION

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will not have time and to see myself doing the craft in a rush cause I didn´t managed my time efficiently and so stopping myself to do the craft or other activity that surges in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of me doing the craft and also feeling tiredness and stopping myself due to images of me scolding myself and saying I have more important things to do and so connecting making a pause within my compromises and other tasks and home-works as a distraction that is bad and based in self-interest - so seeing me that I am being irresponsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mom will discover what I am doing and she will get mad and she will tell me 'Don´t place that decoration on the house - i don´t like it' so taking this as a point to stop myself from expressing myself in this activity.

I see, realise and understand that the force within and as myself is the mind - I depend on a though to tell me and to let me do the things I have to do and so I depend on a though to validate my decisions and my physical movements as expressions.

When and as I see myself going in to the pre-programmed mind movement of going to a thought to so wait for a validation or like the 'push I needed to move myself and do it - I stop, I breathe and I place myself here as the presence of myself and I do the things I have to do without depending on others to do them

I see, realise and understand that the Physical Movement as Expression is moving and so Do it.

Also here - I see that I may observe my priorities in my day - realise that the desire that makes me go to do the craft is a self-interest if I have other things to do; not based in importance as polarities but as a way to complete in order other compromises I have or 'making a pause' during my day within the tasks I have to do and Express myself doing a craft, going out to walk, drawing etc.

The Desire as a Force to Stand and let the task/activity/home-work that I am doing due to making what is best for All - is Self-Interest.

Me as an Expression - of making a craft or an activity to enjoy myself has to be based in Simplicity.

Ok so doing a recap --> While making the Craft participating in energy - as I said directed by that desire to make something I want now in spite of other thing I have to do


ok, so - I´ll be continuing this
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lunes, 1 de octubre de 2012

Day 59 -- More on Postponement Part 2

REACTION DIMENSION

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a reaction when I see I have to do things in the moment I don´t want - and so participating in postponement - such as feeling and experiencing myself heavy physically and dragging my feet to the place I have to do the thing I have to do and complete
Instead of Moving Myself Physically and getting myself to do it in the breath and so stopping me as reactions and physical movements that shows my behaviour within a negative energetic movement.

I realise, see and understand that this reactions are created by me as the mind since the first point of thinking instead of Moving myself to do in in the moment of the emergence of the task, the point, the home-work etc. - a physical movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and to establish within my body; my physicality a reaction that makes me go into limitation and Energy as polarities such as negativity, neutrality, positivity - so ; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the physical movement within and as an energetic reaction such as negative, neutral, and positive.

I see, realise and understand how the 'Force' in Me is Dependant on Energy and not dependant as What I am as this Physical Movement in Simplicity as Life - I mean, just moving me in the moment, as the breath; one breath in/breath out=Done. The force has to be that Movement in the Moment not thinking and not waiting to the thought to activate as like I am following orders - orders from the mind.

I see, realise and Understand that I am the Force as the mind that makes me Move and that´s why I participate and I go within all the parts of the Character Creation.

When and as I see myself participating in the reaction - if I am here in this phase already - I stop, I breathe and I move myself within and as my physical to complete the things I have to do in the moment

I commit myself to Stand since the very beginning of the character creation with and as the Self-Responsability of realising the consequence of all this Lack of Direction in Every Breath.

When and as I see myself going into the Postponement character - with going first to the fears and thoughts - I stop, I breathe, I stand here having in consideration that If I don´t Direct Myself in the Moment I´ll let my mind to move myself.

I commit myself to Stop here, to stand here and So stopping me from this waiting Character; the one that says: 'Only this One Time' and so sabotaging myself in a Moment of change

Check the Life Review of "Only this One Time".






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